fireflymouth: (archy: moth)

April bloomed chilly and stark in its greenness, as it does every year, and yet something in the wind carried voices I'd tried for so long to silence, had buried so deeply within my tortured brain that their resurgence within my rattling bones shook me to my core.

I felt unappreciated. Invisible. I felt as though every step I'd taken forward had only brought me further pain; like the Little Mermaid in Andersen's tale, I walked on invisible blades, bled rivulets in streams of blood no one else could see, but which was there nonetheless. Never one to admit my own fragility, I walked into my office that morning the way I always had -- head down, carrying my lunch in one hand and stuffing the other in my pocket.

They say three is a special number, that it carries a magic. That "third times are charmed". And this would be my third suicide attempt. Either I was going to die, or something would have to change.

Who can really say what that something was that kept me here? My father's tears, my mother's worried face peering through the hospital room window? My team lead's reassuring words, her hand gently unclenching the fists I had made? The thought of my girlfriend, far away in Australia? The love I felt for my friends? The fevered text messages from the pop star I'd fallen in love with, when he realized something was truly wrong?

Who can really say?

Depression can, and will, eat you from the inside out. Its hunger is insatiable. Like the Nothing, sweeping across Fantastica, it engulfs a soul of Light and drowns it in swirling voids of terror, hopelessness and a lonely desperation that claws and tears at the bearer's emotional viscera until there is nothing left upon which to feed. It will kill you if you let it. And it will not apologize for having done so. It will steal away your fire. It will rip apart your poetry. It will extinguish your desires, your dreams, and your humanity -- bit by bit. Piece by bloodied piece, you will be dragged from point A to point B and then back again, countless times. There are no lessons in depression. There is only survival, and, if you are very very lucky....connection.

For that is the only real weapon we have against it. Connection to what holds us fast to this heartbreath world, the people that matter, the creatures which share the earth with us, the questions and the stories and the music and the colors. The whys and the reveals, the spoilers and the philosophies that keep us guessing until the final curtain is drawn for us each in turn. We stumble into this life, blind and hopeful, and we do our best to keep moving forward. Most of us are able to keep moving. Some of us are not.

So much that has happened to me would not have happened to me had I taken my life that day. There are heartbreaks I would never have experienced, horrible sadness I never would have had to feel, acts of selfishness and greed I never would have committed. But there are also people I never would have been loved by. Satisfaction and pride I never would have felt. Beauty I never would have known.

Balance is key. Balance.

Be a chaos chaser, friend. I say to you -- mount the steed of perseverance, no matter the severity of the storm following behind you, and overtake those whispering demons. Run those motherfuckers down. Make them suffer the way you have suffered at their leathery hands, and silence them for good.

And if you find the road too steep, the demons too quick-footed and tricky -- if you find you stumble and are thrown from your ride -- reach up, reach out. Find my hands in the darkness. For I will be there. I will always be there. And I will help you back upon your feet, and I will pull you up upon the back of my own steed, and we will tear a fucking hole through space-time itself.

"Angel, don't take your life
Some people have got no pride;
They do not understand
The Urgency of Life --

But I love you more than life
I love you

Depression is something that I will always have to manage. To deal with, as any disease which ebbs and flows in its remissions and flares. But I'll be damned if I will let it eat up my humanity and swallow my heart piecemeal. I will be damned.

People say you should never look back -- but if you never do, you won't have a chance to notice just how far you have come. And you may miss the person who has fallen just shy of where you are now....the person you just might be able to save.
fireflymouth: (Best Day Ever!)

This journal is Friends Only. Please comment to be added.

fireflymouth: (rainbow eye)

Selling some of my stash to get organized and get rid of stuff I won't use. :)


Sale Conditions and Details )

Keep checking back, more will soon be added!

Here are the items I have for sale right now:

picture heavy list of items )

Thank you! ♥
fireflymouth: (bacon)

Originally posted by [ profile] girlingoldboots at Help Please?

I didn't want to do this, but the truth is I'm in a serious bind. Due to a Series of Unfortunate Events™ I am in a serious amount of financial trouble. I'm going to preface this by saying a lot of my old debt was my own fault, totally and utterly. However some of this is due to circumstances. I admit my mistakes and have learned from them the hard way.

There was a move, a car accident, and a surgery (the two are not related). I borrowed a lot of money for the last two from my Mother Unit and her Husband. The only way I can make my life better, or close to it, is to finish my degree and move on.

The problem begins with my old student loan company (AES-PHEAA). I defaulted for the above reasons and now I am having issues getting any financial aid, both federal and private. I am in a repayment programme and am making good on this debt slowly. In the meantime I have been turned down for eight student loans, two personal ones, and three with my father acting as a co-signer.

Edit to add: I have also applied for numerous grants and scholarships. My resposes from these have all been either silence or form letters saying "Thank you, but no."

Because of the money I owe my Mother Unit and her Husband I simply cannot ask them for any more help than I have. I also had a setback due to a tyre on my car that blew out and a subsequential tetanus shot from the tyre's metal cutting my leg.

Realistically in order to pay off my old student loans free and clear will be $7,000 - this includes all fees, penalties, interests, &c. - (US), but with my classes starting on the 22nd I need at least $1,600 by the 6th of August to assure my place in class and will be more than grateful for that.

I don't like asking for help like this, but I can no longer afford to be prideful. So if the Internet can lend a fangirl a hand it would help. It may take years but I promise to pay back everything that anyone loans me. Payments may either in money, fanfiction, original writing, or really bizarre stories from my childhood. You get to pick!

Thank you,


fireflymouth: (archy quote)
Originally posted by [ profile] gabrielleabelle at Mississippi Personhood Amendment
Okay, so I don't usually do this, but this is an issue near and dear to me and this is getting very little no attention in the mainstream media.

Mississippi is voting on November 8th on whether to pass Amendment 26, the "Personhood Amendment". This amendment would grant fertilized eggs and fetuses personhood status.

Putting aside the contentious issue of abortion, this would effectively outlaw birth control and criminalize women who have miscarriages. This is not a good thing.

Jackson Women's Health Organization is the only place women can get abortions in the entire state, and they are trying to launch a grassroots movement against this amendment. This doesn't just apply to Mississippi, though, as Personhood USA, the group that introduced this amendment, is trying to introduce identical amendments in all 50 states.

What's more, in Mississippi, this amendment is expected to pass. It even has Mississippi Democrats, including the Attorney General, Jim Hood, backing it.

The reason I'm posting this here is because I made a meager donation to the Jackson Women's Health Organization this morning, and I received a personal email back hours later - on a Sunday - thanking me and noting that I'm one of the first "outside" people to contribute.

So if you sometimes pass on political action because you figure that enough other people will do something to make a difference, make an exception on this one. My RSS reader is near silent on this amendment. I only found out about it through a feminist blog. The mainstream media is not reporting on it.

If there is ever a time to donate or send a letter in protest, this would be it.

What to do?

- Read up on it. Wake Up, Mississippi is the home of the grassroots effort to fight this amendment. Daily Kos also has a thorough story on it.

- If you can afford it, you can donate at the site's link.

- You can contact the Democratic National Committee to see why more of our representatives aren't speaking out against this.

- Like this Facebook page to help spread awareness.

God, etc.

Mar. 28th, 2011 12:19 am
fireflymouth: (broken angel)
So much talk of religion and spirituality among my friends lately, in many different ways, has made me decide to write up what I believe about the entity commonly known as "God". What I believe it actually is, and how it works -- because as I've stated before here and elsewhere, it isn't something I think most people believe, and it's not very easy to just explain. But I'll try, and if anyone is interested, it's all here for them, laid out.

If you do choose to comment, please do be respectful. This is my religion, as I see it, and while I welcome debate, do not flame me in my own journal for my religious views. I ask that you simply be tolerant of them, because they are what they are and they're not likely to change.

All is behind the cut, so those who are not interested in spiritual postings may cruise on by. I don't normally discuss such deeply personal things as my religious or political leanings here, so this is a gamble I'm taking simply because, for whatever reason, I felt a desire to do so now.

meet the Great Something... )
fireflymouth: (happy holidays)

I hope each and every one of you who celebrates it will have a very Merry Christmas. I'll be very busy tomorrow but I'll have my phone with me, so feel free to text me if you have nothing going on and are feeling lonely. :)

I miss Saturn so much. She was the best kitty ever. ;~;

And from Pixie a very merry xmas too -- this was taken in 2008, but she's still a cutie in it. :D

fireflymouth: (goes to 11)
Pics from the acoustic VIP set Devy did before the main show...update from the trip and other details in a friendslocked post soon. :)

This post is public so friends at FB without LJs can see my pics too. :) ENJOY!!

Clicky for piccies! )
fireflymouth: (Default)
This is National Suicide Prevention Week.
More than 5 million people in the U.S. have been directly affected by suicide.
I am one of those people.

_____ jumped out of a building window to the busy street below.
_____, _____ and _____ stabbed and cut themselves to death.
_____ hung h--self in h-- apartment.
_____ shot h--self while - was driving h-- car.
_____ got very drunk and ran h-- car into a tree and died on impact.
_____ overdosed.

I have thought of it many times throughout my life myself, but I was lucky.
I had family that loved and supported me.
Friends that cared.
People who would talk to me, helped me, tried to understand me.
People who made me get medical help when they saw I was going too far.

A lot of people don't have that.

Sometimes the smallest things can stop people from dying at their own hands.
Sometimes all it takes is for a person to feel noticed.
For one smile. One hug. One small moment of eye contact. Of kindness. Of genuine and honest caring.

Sometimes all it takes is a text that says "I hope you're okay."
Or a phone call that says "I love you and I'm thinking about you."

Sometimes the simple little things YOU do, even for people you don't know, can start that person on a path in the right direction. A healthy direction. A direction of light, of life, and of hope. Step by tiny step they make it, and you could be the catalyst for their precious life to be saved.

Whatever struggles you have today, take the time to remember that behind the happiness projected all over the world, many of those so-called "happy" people are dying inside for something real to happen to them. For someone to really look at them and see what's really going on.

If YOU need help, if you're struggling with these feelings right now -- please call HopeLine at 1-900-784-2433.

They offer confidential, non-judgmental help for those in emotional crisis or who may be thinking about suicide, or those who fear for someone they love. Their trained volunteers can be a listening ear and a guiding hand for those who need help 24 hours a day, 7 dayd a week.

You are all in my thoughts. Please stay alive.
fireflymouth: (Default)
The very talented [ profile] danielleorama, whose plushies I discovered through the community [ profile] cute_plush, is having a contest to win one of her adorable creatures called "Poilus"! I get an extra entry in her contest to win a one-of-a-kind custom-made Poilu if I post a link to the contest in my LJ, so if you love handmade plush, go to her blog and enter the contest!! I have a super-adorable plush fox she made named "Franz" whom I love to pieces and would LOVE to have a Poilu of my own...cross your fingers that I win one. :)
fireflymouth: (Default)
1. I would re-live every rainspeckled midnight second in your sweater if I could.....knowing I can't have that with you, or anyone else for that matter, again.....breaks my heart.

2. I wish you knew what I gave up for you.

3. I have a crush on you. But I know you will overlook me, so I stay silent and wish you happiness.

4. I wish you would stop making me feel like I'm not important to you. It hurts more than I let you believe.

5. You saved my life and you will never know it.

6. I'm not sorry for having been honest. I meant what I said. I'm glad you seem to have taken my advice. The world needs you.

7. You disgust me. If I ever happen to see you again, I will find a way to hurt you. Mark my words.

8. Nemesis has my'll find that out very soon.

9. I still wish I didn't have to give up on you.

10. Have I ever said I loved you in a way that you believed it? I feel like I never have.

.....and I'm too out of it for this. I can't cry any more.

Less than four years and it's over.

Bless you, Time.
fireflymouth: (hedonism bot)
Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously.

Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, what you really think about me - ANYTHING. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice or however many times you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends have to say.

I don't log IP addresses because my LJ is friends-only.

I'll also answer any questions with complete honesty.
fireflymouth: (Default)
It's almost time......!

the miracle, it was you and i.....always you and i
fireflymouth: (dun--HAM)
Here are the pics from the Jeff Dunham show. We were in the first row, but some of the puppets were difficult to get good shots of. I did my best and I think I did a pretty good job. :) Hope you enjoy them!

Jeff-fuh-fuh Dun-HAM )

...with Walter )

...with Achmed, the Dead Terrorist )

...with Peanut, Jose Jalopeno on a Stick, and Guitar Guy )

...and, last but not least, with Bubba J. )
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